Saturday, April 14, 2018

Thankfully I am glad to say things are not as bad as then thanks to the medication.  I do still have them sometimes, but it never gets to the levels I mentioned usually.  They continually ask me questions now, but they do not answer questions.  They do make decision making hard.  Maybe a bit late in the game, but I had the epiphany that I should refrain from emailing people and big decisions when I am having an episode.  To any reading this who may have a mental illness it can take a bit to figure out what medication will work for you, you just have to work with your provider.


People normally think sight and hearing when they think hallucinations.  As I have mentioned elsewhere I have had a smell hallucination before, the NP I see now was surprised by that.  One time I also had them tell me when I was walking to the library where I was going to experience pain and sure enough I did where they said.  They were doing it as a control thing, why I needed to listen to them.  It only happened once.  Not quite sure if it was a proper hallucination, or just normal aches and pains my brain hijacked.

Second Episode

I had been doing good for a year when the second episode started.  I don't remember the beginning of it all that well.  Part of why it was so bad was expectations from last time.  There was some good that came out of it, I landed an exhibit basically because I listened to them.  I was working full time then.  I was on a schedule that started me at 4am one day in the NICU and 9am the next day.  I was having trouble sleeping to begin with when the voices restarted I could not sleep at all.  That period in my life was the most tired over such a prolonged period I have ever been.  I do remember pounding my head into the wall, this was also when the "discount meat" thing happened.  This is also when the ferric chloride incident happened.  I held it down at work though at least on the hospital side, although the ferric chloride thing did result in a hospital stay. The second episode actually lasted a long time for a few years before I finally pulled my head out of my ass and got medical help.  I guess at least this can be said for me I was probably at my worst then when I was working in the NICU (baby unit), but I did no harm there.  I may not be good with "boyfriends", but I do not think I am evil.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Exhiled from La Crosse

I remember at one point they exhiled me from La Crosse.  First they were asking me what I would take, I could only take a few items.  I was going to go with the easel my Dad made for me, but they said I did not deserve it.  I ended up getting so freaked out I made to La Crescent with an Indian blanket.  A female taxi driver saw me walking and gave me a lift there.  Once there I wandered around until I found a park.  I settled in on a park bench.  I thought they were following me.  A truck drove by with these lights in the back windshield that pulsed to the digital synthesizer music it was playing.  I was sure it was them.  I spent the night there.  Then I realized I had to go back my family does not run.  I got lost for a bit in La Crescent and came across a weirdly obsene sidewalk drawing that struck a nerve.  Then I made my way out and back to La Crosse on foot.

Keys and Hair and Miscellaneous Death Threats

One of the things I remember from my first episode was they ran me ragged one night trying to find a key.  I was pretty much recovered from a broken ankle, but things were still a little sore.  They had me bouncing around outside in my socks on a cold wet spring evening digging through dead leaves.  At one point I thought I had seen a coral snake so I stopped, although I don't think we have coral snakes up here.  They kept spewing out different numbers at me and sending me all over the place.  Eventually I called it quits and ordered a pizza.

I had very long hair going into this, and one night it was being discussed.  I snapped at one point when the one male voice was talking about how much he liked my hair.  I said I didn't want to be liked just for that, and proceeded to cut it all off.  At the time I was under the impression that the guy in the apartment next to me knew and was collaborating with my tormentors, so I went out and threw my rubberbanded hair at his door.  Eventually I went back and got it, and I felt kind of bad about cutting it off.  The next morning I took it to a hair salon and they said they could donate it to Locks of Love for me, it didn't matter that I had cut it off.

All through this I was getting threat to get out of La Crosse, or they were going to kill me.  One time they also made rape and death threats if I went outside.  Actually the first episode closed with them telling me that they would be back in a year and if I was still there they were going to kill me.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

How I got Chapter 51ed

The voices requested this story tonight.  This happened during my first episode with them.  I had just been hired at the hospital to clean.  I had Renal Dialysis, and it was a funky four hour shift (recession was going on) thing.  It was my day off I remember being freaked out at first that I had maybe missed work.  Anyways the thing at first that was really getting to me about the voices was that I could not see them.  People like to talk about how a messy house is a sign the schizophrenic person is doing badly.  For me (at least in the begining) a spotless place was a worse sign because I was trying to get them to come over to hash out our differences face to face rather than through a wall.  Along that mindset on my day off I made a beef roast in the crock pot and had some wine with the intention of going over our differences like civilized adults.  It didn't work.  They just rippedcapart my cooking.  They said they wouldn't eat my nasty cooking.  Then I said I would eat, and they started yelling at me that I shouldn't eat it either it was bad for me.  Then I said well then I'll give it to homeless person, and they said no it was too nasty for the homeless person.  At this point I freak out and I break all my dishes.  I run out with the intent of suicide in the river.  It is after 10pm (Riverside park closes after then). I climb midway down the rock embankment, and I am talking to the voices.  They talk me out of it.  I am walking away from park when I get stopped by three squad cars.  The cop tells me that I had not done anything wrong, but they were concerned.  So I get patted down and taken to the psych ward.  The psychiatrist was tickled pink about the roast idea.  The process did also involve a court hearing, a lawyer was appointed to me.  I remember feeling decidedly under dressed sitting in the courtroom before the judges.  I had left my glasses at home, so I could not see well.  I had no bra on, was wearing work scrubs, and flip flops.  I didn't really fight it.  I was required to take medecine (wrong stuff) and was sentenced to time in a halfway house.

Fight Style

Granted my emails were the blow up aggressor to the fight on Monday.  I guess I just thought it was interesting that the guy didn't like my fight style.  He said he disliked how I would sort of apologize, but then say he was projecting some things. I also thanked him a couple times on things and by in large did not resort to name calling.  I guess this is interesting to me because when I was unmedicated my waking hours were by in large spent fighting with auditory hallucinations.  Hallucinations I could not take a break from.  I figured out that they mirrored me the worse I got the worse they got.  I can't be imperious and do the name calling type stuff it escalates the situation.  It also extremely important not to take the bait when they try to bait me. Not to say that I don't ever lose it.  Although maybe this does not translate well to two people fights.  I mean fundamentally the auditory hallucinations are me, so the same anger level.  When the voices first started I was very imperious though, and it did me no good.  I would have to say this guy would not do well with my hallucinations, he was too balls to the wall fight.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Schizophrenics, Sex, and Dating

I really haven't dated or been sexually active since when the schizophrenia developed.  I guess I have been on a couple dates, but nothing stuck.  Decided to try some stuff recently did not work out.  Hooked up with guy a graduated high school with.  Then new co worker whose brother had been shot and killed asked me to a movie.  I agreed to the movie, just talked no physical contact.  I started having voices again, they feed off of emotions, one night they were asking why I messed things up with the High School guy and suggesting I kill myself.  High School guy decided to date, and then I flipped out when he told me how great she was, might work out, and wasn't sure about me he was just curious.  I ripped him a new one about how disrespectful his "no condom" policy was to women (he has not used one in 15 years) (I made him use one), and that he should not be treating schizophrenic women as a curiosity because we have issues.  He got pissed off and we had major fight yesterday.  He says I'm not being emotionally responsible.
Anyways the voices brought up a good point today yes I was harsh with the high school guy in the emails, but I was not nearly as harsh as what they are sometimes with me.  I did not call him "discounted meat".  When he talked about being raped I did not grab his guitar and start playing and singing about his rape, and laughing.  When I drank ferric chloride I remember lying on the floor puking the stuff out while some of the voices laughed, some were complaining that I had destroyed their career, and some were telling me that they had called the ambulance (I could hear sirens too), but the ambulance was not able to figure out where I was.  So at least I did none of that to him.  Although he would say all of that is an excuse and unacceptable.                                                  To clarify the thing that pisses me off the most is these males trying to get in my pants with no regard for where I could potentially go mentally.  It also really sucked loosing an old friend over this BS.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Student Protest

I actually had a date today, and in talking to him it made me remember an incident at the high school I graduated from.  The school serviced several rural villages, so it was out in the country admist the farm fields.  So many high school students drove in and would give each other lifts, as it is a bit too far to walk.  The school never canceled school for inclement weather.  I might add that the roads there were often poorly plowed.  We were new drivers, so there were some incidents of students having off-road adventures.  So one beautiful spring day I was surprised to arrive at school to find out it had been canceled.  A group of students had went out and slashed every single tire on every single bus for that school district.  The buses were not located in one spot, but rather spread out in different spots through the area.  So just one person couldn't do it all, and it would have taken some planning to figure out where the buses were let alone executing it.  Unfortunately one of the guys told the saluditorian thinking that the guy was his friend and trustworthy.  The saluditorian ratted him out ( the saluditorian also gave truly terrible flowery graduation speech, total prick)  The cool thing about the ratted out guy is that he did not expose a single one of his compatriots even though it meant he had to take the full brunt of the punishment.  They pulled him from school and moved him to La Crosse where he had to work in some sort of juvie set up to pay for the damages.  I was just thinking how appropriate this story is right now.  The adults are all upset about students just marching to protest the lack of sense some adults have about their saftey.  Power to them as far as I'm concerned.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Masters Degrees in Art

It annoys me tremendously that people seem to have this misconception that masters degrees in art are about having a professor stroke your ego.  I have had two people at work more or less tell me that.  That is not what the masters program is about.  When you go into one you are really supposed to have the skills for making art already in place, so you will be exposed to some new things, but you should really already know what you are doing.  My experience is that it was more psychological and more about pain.  My advisor in a two hour lecture about why I suck as a human being told me that he thought I had not felt enough pain that semester, and that it should be the most painful experience of my life.  It should maybe be noted that that semester started out with Uncle Joe dying unexpectedly, then a month latter my grandmother, then my cousin miscarried her baby, then Mom was sending me an email about how a family relation had beat their baby to death with a lead pipe.  I was feeling stuck in PA, and I was probably the most depressed I have ever been in my life that semester.  I was not alone one of the other printmaking MFAs told me she had to smoke a joint before her meetings with him.  She also said she could not look herself in the mirror because of what she had to do to get along with him.  He would pay her compliments.  He told me a couple times to go home and change, I didn't think to much of it at first because I was working in the studio and he was suggesting I go to gallery reception.  The thing that made go WTF with that stuff was when he ripped into a young female faculty member over what she wore to his artist reception.  In my mind I don't care what people wear, it is cool they came out at all.  It may be interesting to note that he seemed intimidated by some of the older female faculty.  He did not seem happy that I requested Dr. Partridge for my review panel.  One male professor once told me that Dr. Partridge was trying to castrate him, I think some other male professors shared that view.  I was also told he seemed to be scared of the woman who ran the gallaries and was the textile professor as he tended to make a hasty retreat if she was around.  I wish I would have spent more time with this woman.  I only had her for the final exhibit, and she blew me away.  When I first met with her I was struck by this kid's jacket she had framed on the wall.  It was white silk with intricated white embroidery and pearls.  I am guessing she made that.  She listened to me about my ideas and hlped me make them better.  She even blew me away with putting the water out for the exhibit.  I was just doing the rectangular thing.  She stepped in and arranged the bottles in a more visually appealing undulating pattern, every detail matters.  She was a million times better to work with than my advisor.  I don't think my experience is unique, pretty much everyone I have talked to who has pursued a masters in art has not viewed it as a good experience.  I think this also extends into other fields as well.  If you are still making any art after going through it, you really do deserve the title.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Mental illness tee

Work is having this mental illness t shirt drawing contest things.  One of my coworkers yesterday said she thought I should do it.  So I drew for a bit last night.  I like the drawing up close, but I don't know how it would do as a t shirt.  From a distance it does not work well, also the shading I don't think could be conveyed in silk screen.

Well it looks like I missed the deadline anyway. :P